To a young V

CW: Emotional Abuse, Narcissism, gaslighting

I was flipping through a photo album tonight to show Aine pictures of myself at her age. Some of them were funny (like my sister dressed to the nines to go skating) and others were sassy. Up until now I always thought that my lack of self confidence was apparent on the outside but that wasn’t the case. I was always trying to prove myself but maybe I was happier than I remembered being.

Kristina, Mom, and me circa 1998. The nineties were an awesome time for fashion!

Then I found another picture of myself from about a year later. I was dressed-up for my biological father’s wedding to his now-wife. My mom was wonderfully gracious and offered to do our hair and make up just ten days before she had my youngest sister. Mom’s never one to force smiles in picture, which is why my personality was so apparent in pictures. That day was no different. She knew I didn’t like my father’s wife, but she never knew the extent of it all until I was much older. She didn’t know about the arm pinching (which she even did to me as an adult at my own baby shower) or the name calling. I look at that picture and all I see is the fact that I was right. I see that child and the eyes tell me everything: “Please, don’t let this be happening.”

Years of gaslighting told me I was the following things:

• Lazy

• Rude

• Mean

• Selfish

• Ugly

• Unworthy

• Less-than

• Too sensitive

• Stupid

• Ungrateful

• Evil

• Crazy

• Greedy

My father and his wife said them so often that I believed them. Worse yet, I believed that if someone didn’t call me these names then they didn’t love me. The scars of emotional abuse are deep, but they can be hidden with a well-placed mask. Lately the mask has been slipping, not because I’m losing my mind but because I’m being honest with myself.

If I could go into that picture, I would hug that child and tell her that those feelings were valid and people were wrong to tell me to ignore her intuition. I would say “They’re going to hurt you, not because there’s something wrong with you but because there’s something wrong with them. They see that you have a spark inside of you and they’re going to try to extinguish it. But the truth is, that ember will still glow.

”One day you’re going to get kicked out when you need love the most and the next few years will be a grind. Then you’ll find that thing that makes you get up every morning and that ember will grow stronger. You’ll make your own family and have children. That’s when you’ll see that there was nothing wrong with you. You’ll see that spark in Aine and you will do everything to protect her—the way they didn’t protect you.”

I see Aine at six and I see a child with the world at her feet. She’s going to face all sorts mod bullies out there, but I refuse to be the first one. My scars hurt like hell, but I need to be the person I needed that day.