But You're So "Focused"

#ADHD #PillShaming

I had a horrible experience with my first psychiatrist. My biological father would go into my appointments with me so I could never say "the meds make me feel suicidal" or "I can't stay awake at school." The prescription was 40 mg of Prozac and I stopped taking it as soon as I turned eighteen. Over the years I bought into the line that mental health medications were basically a chemical lobotomy. I hated Scientology, but I bought into their hatred of Psychiatry. Ken, my asshole/abusive ex, had me convinced that my depression wasn't real and, if it was, it could be cured with running.

Over the years, I dipped my toes into the prospect of going to therapy and trying medication but I wasn't ready to see a psychiatrist...until I was. I don't know when my rock bottom was, but I knew that I had to see a psychiatrist. I was having flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and other symptoms of PTSD and

I knew I needed help. I filled out the paperwork and didn't pay much attention (haha) to the ADHD portion. Yeah, there were some symptoms, but I didn't seem affected at work. I could fidget during meetings and class and I could switch gears every fifty minutes. Most of my friends and students had ADHD and I didn't feel that drowning feeling as often.

My psychiatrist is an amazingly empathetic person. We spent two hours talking about my various emotional and sexual traumas. Hell, it's because of her that I realized I'm nonbinary. I set boundaries saying "I'm only giving my full heart to two students this year: Harry and Isabel." I started "baby doses" of Prozac and Klonopin and within a month it was like a light went off in my head. I felt that I was living the life I always wanted to. My work performance skyrocketed and I felt like an entirely different person. My mom wasn't thrilled about me taking psychiatric meds, but I didn't care. Life was getting better and I could deal with the ups and downs at work and I wasn't taking it home with me anymore.

Then came the pandemic and with that, I lost structure and my routine. Back in March of this year, my amazing psychiatrist caught something I said about having a "piling" system for organization and something clicked. "I think you have ADD." I had been suspecting that since Jude was born, but I thought not me. There's no way. When I told my husband about it he said "But you're one of the most focused people I know." I thought I was too. I was never behind when I wrote my master's thesis and I could sit down and write a twenty-page research paper with no problems other than procrastination. But the more I read, the more I realized that my sex assigned at birth played a major role in my late diagnosis.

According to the DSM-V, these are the symptoms of inattentive and hyperactive ADHD. I'll add the way they manifest in me in...italics. I love italics.

Inattention: for adolescents, age 17 years and older and adults; symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months, and they are inappropriate for developmental level:

• Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities. I do this often. I make casual misspellings in my writing.

• Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities. Boring ones…I wrote stories in science in middle school which led me to almost fail 7th and 8th grade.

• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly. Meh

• Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked). Uhhh…all the time.

• Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities.I’m more of an implementer myself

• Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework). Housework. I HATES IT!

• Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones). I lost four handwritten pages of my thesis and I lose my phone constantly.

• Is often easily distracted. I frequently have “Ooh Squirrel” moments. When I was a teacher, I used to get distracted by my reflection or birds.

• Is often forgetful in daily activities. Meh.

Hyperactivity and Impulsivity: Five or more for adolescents age 17 years and older and adults; symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for the person’s developmental level:

• Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet, or squirms in seat.Have you met me? I fidget constantly.

• Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected. No

• Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may be limited to feeling restless). I can’t stay still or at home all day. I feel like I’m trapped.

• Often unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly. Not really. I've always been able to do things alone, but

• Is often “on the go” acting as if “driven by a motor”.No...unless you mean I always need to be going somewhere.

• Often talks excessively. Only to my loved ones, unless social media counts.

• Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed. All damn…ooh squirrel

• Often has trouble waiting their turn. Meh

• Often interrupts or intrudes on others. Ummmm….

I definitely have more inattentive traits and than hyperactive ones, especially if I hate something (like housework). I notice it in my writing too. I very rarely write in sequence. Sometimes I’ll get an idea and run with it and then struggle to “bridge the gap” as I call it. It works for me though. If I can't write part A, I'll write part B and then get ideas along the way. It works for my personal writing and it keeps me from getting bored. But in grad school, I would find myself struggling to crank out five-page papers right before class. Then again, I never turned in a late paper or got an Incomplete. My thesis chapters were always well outlined, researched, and turned in well before my due dates! That was different though. I recently learned the term "info-dumping" and that's what it felt like to me. I was writing about Robespierre and gender and I couldn't write or research fast enough. My abusive ex told me I was a brilliant scholar and writer, but not the best student.

I can literally talk about Robespierre all day. He's complicated and I love him.

What was I saying? Oh yeah...

Gender roles are a bitch though. Because I was a chatty and dreamy "girl", my condition went unnoticed. That was just how "girls" acted. My desk and eventually lockers were always a chaotic mess, but my father chalked it up to a personal failing. (Not that his opinion matters in the end. I'm sure he and his wife would have submitted me to unmodified ECT and a lobotomy back in the day.) Just from my social media feed, I've seen at least three of my women/AFAB have been diagnosed in the last few months. Most of them are thirty or forty. Maybe the pandemic has meant that we can drop those masks and realize that there was something about our lives that wasn't working no matter how hard we tried. In my case, it was a simple comment to a wonderful NP who also lives with ADHD.

Work never really seemed to be a problem though. When I was a TA I was in my field, learning how to be a professor so I never minded the stacks of grading. Waiting tables was another story. Even if I wrote things down, I often made mistakes but I was fine bartending. When I started working for a school aimed at kids with ADHD, mental health challenges, autism, and learning differences, I thought I would be more overwhelmed than I was. Because we worked with kids with specific needs, the school itself allowed me to fidget, stand up, and take breaks with my kids. I also got to switch gears every fifty minutes. I still had issues with time management, but I could let go of some of the "masking" I had been doing for years. I'll never forget the day I was allowed (and encouraged) to color during meetings if I needed to. To this day, coloring is something I can do to reset myself.

So far, the meds are working great. I refuse to hear that it's all in my head or that taking Ritalin will basically drug the creativity out of me. Sure, there may come to be the day when I'm not the "hot mess mom" but I bet I will still be the person who blurts out random facts about Scientology or Robespierre. What I've noticed is that my anxiety about the big looming things (like laundry, or cleaning the counters) is diminishing. The one thing I'm concerned about is Aine. I see her and I see myself at that age. She's so smart and energetic, but she has several family members with ADHD. My mom and dad thought ADHD was something made up and all we needed to do was pay better attention. One of my sisters and I floundered because we didn't have the ability to just do that as we got older. I want to empower Aine, but I also worry about her struggling as I did. That's why mental health isn't taboo for me. If she knows that sometimes Mommy gets overwhelmed and needs to take a pause (and medicine), maybe she'll know that she can say "Mommy, I'm overwhelmed" one day. As for Jude...I worry for different reasons. Aine is light-skinned and looks Italian or Greek rather than half-Mexican. Jude looks Mexican from his nose to his eyes. Non-white boys are disproportionately punished for things their white classmates get away with. But that's a different story for a different day.